9. Am I Still Shy? Am I Still Introverted?
"To me, shyness implies a real reluctance to be socially aggressive or assertive. It's very difficult for shy people to put themselves out there if they need to. For introverts, it's never easy to do, but it's more a matter of reluctance to expend the energy, because it tires us out." -Jonathan Rauch
The question after all my life experiences is "Am I still shy?" I'd say yes, but others no longer perceive me that way. One of my colleagues says he can't believe I was ever shy. But he's only known me since 2001. I've learned to adapt. Recently my daughters and wife have prevailed on me to take several character tests. One of them was a measure of "percent" shyness. I have no idea how valid the results really are. When I answered as if I was in high school, undergraduate, or graduate school, the percentage came out as 72%, which meant my shyness was interfering with my life and pursuit of interpersonal relationships and could be quite debilitating. That was nothing I didn't already know. When I answered the questionnaire as I am now, the results came out as 28% shy. Which means that although I have quite a few shy characteristics, I can function quite well in most situations. What can I say? People change. I've learned that many of the situations I feared when young, really weren't things I should fear at all. I'd still consider myself shy, however. A different questionnaire put me at 3.54 out of 5 (1 = not shy, 5 = very shy). Being able to cope in social situations doesn't mean I like what I have to do to cope. At my core I'm still shy.
Introversion and shyness are not the same thing. There is no doubt that I'm an introvert. All of the tests my wife and daughters had me take classified me as quite introverted. I tend to think things through thoroughly before speaking or acting (a trait that often put me at a disadvantage in interpersonal relationships, simply because I'd spend too long thinking, and not doing). I'm quite comfortable being alone for periods of time. (That doesn't mean I don't long for human contact, because I do. When my wife and daughters are away, I miss them desperately. I can survive these periods when we are separated fairly easily, however. But I'm not really happy when separated from them.) Some of the results from these tests are shown below (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, based on Jungian theory):
About the INTJ
Expert Quotes:
"...approach reality as they would a giant chess board, always seeking strategies that have a high payoff, and always devising contingency plans in case of error or adversity." - The Portrait of the Mastermind Rational (iNTj) (Keirsey)
"...observer, values solitude, perfectionist, detached, private... does not talk about feelings, hard to impress, analytical, likes esoteric things..." - Jung Type Descriptions (INTJ) (similarminds.com)
"To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how." - INTJ Profile Typelogic.com
"At work, INTJs use their conceptual strengths to analyze situations and then develop models to understand and anticipate through relentlessly to reach their goals. They will continue on with their plans, even in the face of adversity and data that might suggest to other more practical types that their goals are no longer feasible. By nature, INTJs are independent individualists." - INTJ - The Free-Thinker (Lifexplore)
"INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency. " - - Portrait of an INTJ (The Personality Page)
"In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.
Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.
Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications." -Typelogic.com
According to the results from this test, I'm still highly introverted. I'd have to agree with that assessment. Most of the analysis seems right on target. Although I've never considered myself a leader, I've done it when called upon. And I am self-confident when dealing with things I know well. One of the jobs that INTJs are supposed to gravitate towards is scientist, which fits me quite well. (Another was dictator, but I've never had a desire to be such a person. Besides, the job prospects are few.) I have never been able to say that I've been self-confident when dealing with interpersonal relationships though.
I was also convinced by my wife to take a multiple intelligences test. The results of that are shown below:
Unsurprisingly to me, the lowest score was in interpersonal relationships. The relatively high score in music surprised me a bit. Although I love music, I'm not one of those people who continually have a song running through their head. Instead I like to listen to the harmonies and study musical scores to understand how those harmonies were constructed. I've written a fair number of pieces of music, and I can see as I grew older, how they matured, becoming more sophisticated. My understanding of music theory probably well surpasses my ability to play both the piano and guitar. I've always had a wide range of interests, and that seems to be reflected by this test. My main areas of research always seem to be related to sterics (how molecules fit together, or are hindered in fitting together by their shapes) and so are related to being able to imagine things in three dimensions in my head. The spatial relationship rating is probably as low as it is, because I'm a poor artist. I can imagine complex three dimensional things in my head, but I'm unable to draw them. So I use computer programs instead. My younger brother Scott was the one of the family gifted with the ability to draw. I occasionally like to write. Unfortunately the necessity of writing grant proposals no longer excites me. The stultified prose necessary is boring. I'll still do it, however, since it is necessary to support my research. I've wandered into several collaborations at the University with my colleagues. One is going extremely well. Another is just starting, but I believe holds great promise.
Just to show how things have changed, I can relate what happened the week my father died. My brothers and I were discussing who would be making the main presentation at my father's memorial service. I had expected my older brother Mike to take the lead, but both he and my younger brother Scott more or less indicated that I should be the one (my mother was in no shape at the time to do this job...things were still too much of a shock to her.) I was very surprised that neither of my extroverted brothers were willing to take on this responsibility. So I ended up talking about my father's life and the impact he had on all the members of the family. The brother who as a kid couldn't get a word in edgewise between them was the one Mike and Scott asked to talk at their father's memorial service. I used to be scared to death to make oral presentations, but in high school I knew I had to overcome this, and so took Speech. Repetition took that fear away, having to deliver an original speech every other week in front of the class. A good thing, since it would be hard to imagine a university instructor afraid to talk to his classes. I've been asked to give sermons for my church when pastors were unavailable, and done so quite a few times. The nervous fear of public speaking from which I used to suffer is now completely gone.
Another thing that I think is unusual, is that I now am in charge of communication for the local American Chemical Society chapter, the local fly fishing club, and the Gulf Coast Council of the Federation of Fly Fishers. If anyone told me I'd be in charge of communications for even the smallest entity while I was in college or graduate school, I'd have told them they were crazy...being so shy and introverted, that would seem an extremely unlikely scenario.
Why was I so shy? They now think that there may be genetic component to shyness, but it seems to be spread over several genes. The current thinking is that some traumatic event may encourage shyness as well. For me, I'm pretty sure that the four major moves before I started high school most likely aggravated things. I didn't make friends easily, unlike my extrovert brothers, so every move was traumatic for me. But I can't point to any single thing that made me so painfully shy when I was younger. I just know that I was very, very, very shy. I'm less shy now, but no one will ever mistake me for an extrovert.
Some people might have become more shy and retiring with the loss of a lower left leg, trying to hide their "deformity." That didn't happen with me. I needed my prosthetic leg to walk, and if people asked questions, fine. I answered them honestly. Actually the most questions I got were from children. My first prosthetic leg didn't have any of the cosmetic additions on it to make it look "real." (In my opinion, they never do look quite real. The only creature that my prosthetic leg seems to have fooled is the neighbor's dog, who bit it.) It consisted of a foot, a titanium shaft (painted metallic blue) and a socket. It was much easier to get around wearing shorts than long pants, so the leg was on display. (To get my prosthetic leg on and off easily while wearing long pants, I put a 22" zipper from the cuff up the inseam. And yes, I'm the one who replaces and puts zippers in clothing in the family. Without that zipper, I can only get the baggiest of pants over the socket on the prosthetic leg.) Quite often children asked me "Why do you have a blue leg?" And I told them I'd lost my lower left leg due to a very bad infection, and this leg allowed me to walk. I also walk with a cane now, but more for my lower back than my leg. So although I'd consider the loss of a lower leg traumatic, I don't think it actually did anything to increase (or decrease!) my shyness. I'm one of those people who value truth, and if asked a question, I answer with the truth as I see it. And I'll always answer those questions from children that way.
So what type of person does this combination of shyness and introversion make me? In my view, I would call myself "reserved and well-spoken." I don't gossip. I always think through what I'm going to say (except on those rare occasions when I lose my temper). I'm not hard to approach, but I'm not extremely outgoing. I don't enjoy parties unless they are among close friends that I know quite well (hallmarks of both the shy and the introverted). I'm loyal. I'm kind. I work well with others. I do have a temper, but I lose that temper very rarely. When I do lose my temper, I use words, not actions. I try to be forgiving (I'm not always successful at that, but I try). Those close to me I love and care for very, very much. I am, however, not comfortable with hugs and kisses except with with my wife and daughters. I reserve my physical contact for those closest to me.
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