5. MARRIED LIFE

A man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one - Matthew 19, vs. 4

And we went on our honeymoon...wait, that never happened. While waiting to see what would happen with Valerie's grandfather, Dr. H. asked me to investigate few more details related to my research. The details ended up with me having to retype my entire dissertation. These days with modern word processing programs, I wouldn't have to retype the whole thing, and I bet the changes I needed to make could easily be done in a day or two. It was 1980, and for a graduate student that meant typing on a typewriter, an electric if you were lucky. (I couldn't afford to pay a typist). Here my father comes into the story at a tangent. In high school he insisted I take a full year of typing knowing how important it would be, no matter what career I pursued. He also arranged to get a used Smith Corona portable electric typewriter for me when I started graduate school. He managed to assemble a working typewriter from two that didn't. I had my fellow graduate students read what I finished, leaving a photocopy on my desk, if they had time. Occasionally there would be a few corrections. The final proof reading was done by Valerie. Although Valerie has no chemistry training, she is a wonderful proof reader. She has a great eye for detail, even catching mistakes in the rather arcane nomenclature used in the type of chemistry discussed in my dissertation. It was a close thing to get everything done in time to make my start date at Dow.

Dow had flown us to Midland, to find housing after our marriage. We managed to find a suitable apartment at a modest rent, and put down first and last month's payment on the lease, making sure the apartment would be ready when we got there, a couple of days before September 8th. They also arranged to get a moving van to my parents house, where most of the furniture that we had owned or been given was collected. My parents gave us quite a bit of furniture, all pieces we still have. My brother Mike gave us a couch which was in very good shape, which he had no room for in the apartment he was sharing with new roommates. For a bed, well, that would have to be a couple of extra long twin beds we'd shove together. My brother Scott gave us a king size water bed he'd built. We wouldn't be able to set that up in apartment, it would have to wait until we managed to rent or buy a house.

While living in Westwood, Valerie and I shared a double bed. It took a little getting used to. I discovered that if I was cold, Valerie was hot. If I was hot, Valerie was cold. That was a problem that was relatively easily solved: separate blankets for each of us. I quickly discovered how good a cook Valerie really was. I had to start watching my weight a bit closer. We weren't ready to start a family yet. I told Valerie I didn't want to start a family in an apartment. I wanted the American dream, a family and a house. Every day we'd learn a bit more of each other.

While living at the apartment in Westwood, Valerie more or less made a pet of a scrub jay that lived in the plantings and trees around the apartment. She'd get up earlier than I, and feed the jay scraps of bread on the railing of the balcony of our second floor apartment. The problem became that the jay became insistent for his bread, squawking for it earlier and earlier every morning. I started getting up earlier, due to a jay alarm clock.

My dissertation defense was waived, since by that time my research results were either published or accepted for publication in three different journal articles in two different journals. A few of those details Fred asked me to do would end up getting my name added to three other publications. By the time I managed to get all the signatures from my doctoral committee, it was the day before we had to leave. I went to the office where I had to file the dissertation. And discovered to my horror, that the format of the first page had changed. My typewriter was already on the road to Midland in the moving van. I was shocked. And then the secretary who informed me of this, took a look at was necessary, and said, "There's no need to send you running all over. I can whip this up in a minute." And she did. I thanked her profusely. I picked up my files from Dr. H.'s lab, packing them in the back seat of the Celica. I turned in my UCLA keys. And we left from my parents' house the next day starting about 4:30 in the afternoon, to make it through the Mojave Desert at night. On the first leg we made it to Cedar City, Utah stopping sometime after 2 am. We slept until maybe 7 am and started off again. Our goal was Denver. We got just past Vail that evening, and a horrendous thunderstorm hit, and Valerie told me she was scared and wanted to stop and find a motel. I told her the truth. By passing the Vail exit, there was no place to turn around until we reached the summit. And the nearest hotels and motels would be in Littleton, just west of Denver. The car was tuned for sea level so would only go 35 mph up to the pass. We finally made it to Littleton, got a room and fell exhausted into bed. The next morning when we woke, we discovered how nice a room we'd actually checked into...but the night before, all we had eyes for was the bed and sleep. The trip was 2400 miles and took us a little over four days. This sprint across country was the closest we ever came to a honeymoon. I'd never call it that.

We got settled in the apartment. We continued learning about each other. I discovered that Valerie was claustrophobic. I also discovered that Valerie liked fancy lingerie (So do I, but on her!). I by this time had also discovered and confirmed that if Valerie ever had insomnia, all I'd have to do was take her to a movie. The only two movies I took her too that she didn't fall asleep in were E.T. and Tootsie. She actually managed to fall asleep during Star Wars movies, as loud as they were. (We don't go out to movies for that reason, and now rent movies to see at home, where if Valerie doesn't make it through the movie we'll pick it up where she remembers.) I discovered that Valerie was allergic to wool. That was important, being in Michigan, since I had to be very careful when buying her gifts of winter clothing (being a California girl she had little in the way of winter clothes that first winter) carefully reading labels. I learned what other fabrics might work for those winter clothes. I learned she was insecure because of the small size of her breasts. I reassured her (I like small breasts and have never been attracted to any female with a large bosom.) We traveled around the area, learning it, and finding favorite places to go: a particular apple orchard, which had wonderful apple cider in the fall; a country store that was interesting, with its mixture of nearly everything you'd need, from groceries to kerosene lanterns. We learned about shopping in the nearby city of Saginaw, which had more stores and a much better mall than in Midland. Stores in Midland had divvied up the areas of commerce. The Sears store downtown only sold tools and appliances. The J. C. Penney across the street sold only clothes. The Montgomery Ward store downtown was only a small catalog office. The most interesting store downtown was the Ace Hardware store, which had a large and very eclectic variety of merchandise. It was definitely a very different life style than living in the Los Angeles area. Midland only had a population of 40,000.

I discovered that although I like to watch football and college basketball,Valerie preferred watching baseball. Just having her watch some sports with me I consider a plus. While we lived in Michigan I played on city league volleyball and basketball teams, and Dow softball teams. (After we moved to Louisiana I played a little softball, and kept somewhat in shape coaching Special Olympics teams in track and field, basketball, and volleyball.)

In less than a year we were looking for a house. By July of 1981, we had found and bought a house. My friends from Dow helped move me with the aid of a couple of pickup trucks. We settled into a routine, with me working through the week, and then Saturday getting up, and starting on fixing the things around the house. Structurally the building was sound. But some of the details left a lot to be desired. For example one Saturday I was walking through one the gates of the fenced back yard. The gate was attached to the poured concrete foundation of the house. Two steps later I realized that gate was still in my hand and no longer attached to the foundation. It had been improperly anchored to the foundation. Small problems like that abounded. Those Saturdays I'd start working in the morning and not stop except for perhaps a soda until dinner which would be my only meal of the day.

We prepared to plant a garden the next year, since it was too late to plant that year. We got the house very comfortable for us. It was a bi-level with the living room, kitchen, three bedrooms and a full bath on the upper story. The lower level (4 feet into the ground) had a dining room/rec room, a half bath, the utilities (furnace, water heater, washer and dryer) and a fourth very large bedroom of dimensions 12' x 25'. We set up our bedroom there, setting up our waterbed for the first time.

On personal note, Valerie asked me to regrow my full beard again. It stayed on until 2002.

We took some time off to attend my cousin Dennis's wedding in Minneapolis, visiting Valerie's grandmother in Ludington, Michigan and her cousin and spouse near Kenosha, Wisconsin. We crossed Lake Michigan on one of the ferries. We then stayed with my Uncle Elmer and his wife Joyce in the Minneapolis area. We attended the wedding representing my mother and father and brothers as well as ourselves. The next day we had to leave, since I had to get back to work. I hadn't accrued much vacation time yet. We went home through Chicago. The most interesting thing about the trip, was that we had both decided it was time to start trying to have a child. Close to the end of October it was confirmed. Valerie was pregnant.

At this point I found out that hormonal changes can make a pregnant woman not quite rational. I remember being sent out one night about 10:30 pm to get that cliche of ice cream and pickles. (Valerie doesn't remember this, but it happened.) That was a bit of a challenge, since most of the stores closed at 8:00 pm in Midland. I finally found a couple of open stores that had what I was searching for. A bit later Valerie wanted to move from our bedroom downstairs (12' x 25') to a much smaller bedroom upstairs (10' x 12"), which I found depressing since it was painted a dark unattractive beige. I hadn't yet gotten around to repainting this room. The reason for this change? The downstairs bedroom was "too small." Forget the tape measure, it wasn't going to help. We moved upstairs and away from our king sized waterbed and back to those two extra long twin beds shoved together.

We had but one problem with our wedding, and it wasn't the ceremony, it was the photographer. He'd more or less disappeared within two weeks after our wedding. I'd been pursuing him to get our photos ever since our wedding. I'd been in contact with the Better Business Bureau in Whittier. Valerie's father and brother John had gone to his shop to try to make contact. Valerie and I finally got hold of him and demanded the wedding photos, which were already completely paid for. We received them along with proofs of all the photos he shot, according to the contract we'd signed. It was over a year and a half since our wedding. The photographer was expecting us to order some more photos even after this unconscionable delay. Our parents and grandparents still wanted wedding photos. We had zero trust in this photographer, so we weren't ordering anything more from him. So I set up several SLR cameras with lighting and took photos (macros of the proofs, and copies of 8" x 10") of the photos. We then got those negatives printed. The demand for wedding photos was satisfied.

We added our first addition to our family, shortly before Valerie pregnancy was confirmed: a cocker spaniel puppy, so small even at 6 weeks she'd fit completely into one of Valerie's hands. She was black as coal, and so was named Cinder. Cinder was the smartest dog I ever encountered of our family pets in my entire life. Our kids would grow up with her. And Cinder was the gentlest of dogs with children. Cinder never surpassed 14 pounds, but looked twice that with an amazingly thick coat. She had only one major dislike: She didn't like to be brushed or groomed. Those are necessities with a cocker. She also insisted in being in the shot whenever we tried to take a photo of anyone.

I suppose I had all the fears and angst that affects all new fathers. May 21st, 1982 around 2 pm one of my co-workers ran into my lab, telling me, "Marc, you've got to get home. Your wife is having contractions every two minutes." I dropped everything, hustled home, put Valerie's pre-packed suitcase in the car and returned to the house for Valerie. She said wait a bit. She had two more contractions and then they stopped. Until 11:30 pm. It got so I didn't know what to do, so I actually mowed the lawn and then took a shower that evening waiting for things to move along. When the contractions resumed, they were immediately at two minute intervals again. I took her to the hospital. Valerie and I had gone to LaMaze training, so I was staying with her until she delivered. Our first child was born near 6:30 am on the morning of May 22, 1982. We named her Bridget Ilene. She shared a birthday with my father.

Bridget was a bit of a fussy baby, often waking us up three times or more per night. I do remember when we first brought Bridget home and she'd be asleep, doing what I bet every new father has done: sneaking into the nursery and making sure my daughter was breathing, and feeling relief each time I discovered that she was fine. I doted on Bridget. And her mother. Life was very, very good.

I worked at my job and continued to fix up the house. In 1983, in early January I was playing in a city league basketball game on Thursday evening. Valerie and Bridget were in the stands watching. I had to ask to be taken out of the game twice because I was getting dizzy. I went to work the next day and felt OK. That Friday night Valerie and I watched a movie on HBO. My throat felt a bit scratchy. After the movie, I went to the downstairs bedroom to retrieve something, but started coughing violently. I had pneumonia in both lungs. It took six weeks for me recover and get back to work. I barely avoided hospitalization and was put on a massive dose of antibiotic. I remember Valerie initiating a sexual encounter when I was nearly recovered. Although I enjoyed it, I also wondered whether I'd survive the encounter...I had trouble getting enough air into my not quite recovered lungs. That was the night our second child was conceived. I had the feeling that part of Valerie's urgency was that she'd felt she'd almost lost me.

I continued to work on the house, laying new tile in the full bath upstairs, and painting that awful dark beige bedroom a much brighter and happier pastel yellow.

I enjoyed watching Bridget grow up. Some of things I remember were her pointing at the TV and saying "Daddy!" whenever Bob Vila showed up on the tube, because we both had full beards trimmed similarly. She increased her vocabulary tremendously. By the time she was two she could answer in perfectly grammatically correct complete sentences. She didn't talk much to people she didn't know well. Occasionally she'd answer a question from an adult she'd just met, usually astounding them and surprising them with a voice that was very deep for her small size.

The scariest incident with Bridget was during a period where she didn't want to sleep in her crib. She'd climb out, and come to the living room. Sometimes, if she was sound enough asleep, I could manage to pick her up and put her in her crib. A night came where I was unable to do that, since every time I tried to pick her up, she'd wake up. Finally, Valerie told me to just let her sleep on the couch. I put up the gate at the head of the stairs and we went to bed. During the night, I heard a loud thump and a cry from Bridget. I don't think I've ever moved faster. Bridget had apparently awoke during the night, and thinking she was in her crib, tried to climb out of the "crib" and climbed over the back of the couch...and the railing to the stairwell. Bridget had fallen about twelve feet. Fortunately, she suffered no broken bones but only a bruised arm and butt and a bit lip. It was time to change Bridget's sleeping arrangements. But now she was very scared about getting up on anything. We had to settle her on a mattress on the floor of her room, since she refused to get in a regular bed/box spring combination. (Too high in her opinion.) I also started putting the gate at night across the hallway cutting off access to both the stairway and living room.

Valerie's due date came near in November. We'd arranged for our good friends George and Marietta to look after Bridget when the time came. The only days they'd be unavailable were Thanksgiving and the Friday following. You can guess what happened. We had just finished eating, and cleaning up after the meal on Thanksgiving when the contractions started. We timed them and by about 10:30 it was time to go to the hospital. I called up one of our close neighbors to see if they'd be willing to take Bridget for the night, they were and I took her across the street to their house. I then put Valerie's suitcase in the car, and we went to the hospital. Valerie was set up in a room, but after an hour the contractions stopped. They wanted to send us home. I told them that wasn't going to happen. In another hour and a half, they started again, regularly decreasing in intervals until our second daughter was born, once again near 6:30 am on November 25, 1983. We named her Briana Lyn. By the time Valerie was installed in her own room it must have been 9:30 am. I kissed Valerie and told her I had to go pick Bridget up. I tried to go pick Bridget up, but our neighbor told me that she wouldn't give me Bridget since I was so tired. She told me what time I could pick Bridget up, and strongly suggested I sleep until then. So I went home and slept. I arranged with a friend from work, Jim B. and his wife, to look after Bridget that evening during visiting hours so I could see Valerie and Briana. I took Bridget to McDonalds for her favorite meal, chicken nuggets and fries, and dropped her off at Jim's house. I visited with Valerie and held my new daughter the first time. I then went to pick up Bridget.

Where Bridget had been a bit fussy, Briana was not. On the third day home, she started sleeping through the night. Not everything was perfect. She had a milk allergy (which she eventually outgrew) and we had to use soy based formula for her. She didn't really crawl around much, probably less than a week. She saw her sister walking and immediately tried to do that. By the time she was 8 months she was walking quite well. She almost caught up in size with Bridget eventually, and we were often asked if our blonde little girls were twins. Actually they are a year and a half apart in age.

Valerie spent her time at home with the kids. We often went shopping in Saginaw. The only problem with that was one child would want to be carried her Daddy. Then the other one had to be carried by Daddy as well. I often ended up carrying 50-60 pounds of kids...something I could do for about 40 minutes, one in each arm. After that it was time for them to go into a cart (which was always met with crying), or for us to stop shopping.

One day at work, a young lady named Debbie (a slim blonde) searching for a relationship approached me. Valerie and the kids were in California visiting her parents. I made it very clear I was unavailable. She was desperate to talk to someone though, and actually came and helped me paint the living room (my project while Val and the kids were gone) the next Saturday. And yes, I told Valerie all of this. She was a bit suspicious, but I told her nothing was going to happen. It didn't. But I had an idea. A young single engineer named Mark B. had recently told me of his current frustration with dating. I managed to introduce the two of them (and that's all I did, I didn't set up any dates or anything. That was up to them.). They started dating and became good friends of Valerie and I. About two and a half years later they married, but we had moved to Louisiana by then.

By 1986, I knew I needed to search for another job...things at my current job were becoming intolerable (not through any conduct of mine, see 7. C. Career Pathway). I did, and finally found the current job I'm now in at the University.

Valerie and I discovered many things about each other. I hate to go grocery shopping with Valerie. I don't hate to go grocery shopping. If I take someone grocery shopping with me, by choice, I'll take Bridget. Bridget and I work from lists, covering the store in an efficient manner. Valerie (and Briana as well) have a tendency to look at everything, including things we'll never, ever need or buy. And Valerie has no intention of buying these things!! This tendency drives both myself and Bridget crazy.

Valerie and I are both rather frugal, and don't spend large amounts on ourselves. I actually hate shopping for clothes for myself (I'd rather shop for clothes for Valerie). This year I did something I haven't done for years...I actually had to buy several pairs of jeans and four pairs of dress slacks...because the majority of my dress slacks and all the jeans I owned were worn out. That's something that I haven't done in over seven years. Necessity, rather than desire is what drove me to make these purchases. I'm not a dress up kind of guy...in my opinion the necktie became obsolete with the invention of the button (That's what neckties were originally for, keeping collars closed). It's been a bad year for me if I've been in a suit more than three or four times, since that means I'll have gone to too many funerals of friends that year.

The rest of the details of our married life will follow in the subsequent sections, as appropriate. The important thing is that Valerie and I are still very much in love. We've been there for each other whenever times have been tough, when things weren't looking good at all. We've had some very trying times and survived.

After my severe illness in 2002, Valerie seemed to become more distant with me. This lasted for a few years. When I finally got her to talk about things, she said she thought I needed more time to myself, that I needed to be alone. I told her that I was under the impression that she thought I was fragile, breakable...but I'm not. I wanted more contact with her, not less. I did (and do) need a little more time to rest after getting home from work, but I still needed and wanted to be with Valerie as much, if not more than before. I don't want to leave the impression Valerie abandoned me in any way...she didn't. She took wonderful care of me during my recovery (about nine months total until I was back to full strength. I worked for the last five months of that period as well.) If anything that severe illness opened my eyes to the fact that I won't be around forever (I may plan to try. One of my favorite lines is one of comedian Richard Wright's: "I plan to live forever. So far, so good.") I do not want to miss any more experiences by failing at communication between Valerie and I.

In the house we are currently living in, there is but a single bathroom. Unfortunately to get to it, you must either go through our bedroom or Briana's bedroom. This is because the house was built in 1930 and the bathroom added later. Currently we are renting, but are seriously considering buying the house. I like a bit of privacy, especially when I'm with my wife. Unfortunately, my daughters don't seem to get the concept. A closed door is there only to be opened. When I was growing up, you didn't even step inside my parents' bedroom without an invitation. If you needed to talk to them and the door was closed, you knocked. And if they told you to go away, you did. Far away. If we buy the house (something we are seriously considering, and the landlord has talked about it with us) one of the first things we'll do is change the way the bathroom can be accessed. Things got so bad this past weekend that the machinations we went through to just steal a private hour reminded me of a couple of teenagers sneaking around after curfew.

Oh, and that missing honeymoon? After 27 years we are thinking of finally taking it. About time! Our daughters are in their twenties, they can take care of themselves, even though they still live with us (and like not a few of my friends we are anxious for the kids to leave and afraid that they will). We're thinking perhaps Galveston, sometime in December might be good for a honeymoon. It is now time for Valerie and I to reserve some time for ourselves.

12/29/2007: We've returned from a couple of days in Galveston. We didn't do all that much, a little shopping, driving around the island. There are still a lot of things we'd like to do on Galveston. The one thing both Valerie and I agreed on, was that we would have liked to have spent even more time away together. (And we are planning on repeating the trip next year, but at a hotel on the seawall instead of the Tremont House near the Strand.) We plan on doing just that...reserving more time for ourselves.

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